3 Inspired

As the NICU has become my home away from home, the nurses have become some of my new best friends.  We talk about food, clothes, movies, and of course, the girls.  In their own way, they offer me advice, comfort, and a warm smile that helps me make it through the day.  They tell me stories of other babies that once occupied those beige walls with mint green nursery borders and how one day I will barely remember this experience because our girls will be healthy and strong. Forgetting this journey seems impossible to me now but I can see how the days can easily blur themselves into one long memory that parents don't want to replay in their minds.  But, for me, I don't want to forget this experience.  As painful as it may be; remembering the bad makes me appreciate the good.  On Sunday, Raleigh and I started looking through some of the first pictures that we took of the girls.  They were so small and had so many tubes inside of them.  Looking back made us realize how great is our God.  Today, our girls have grown and have both reached three pounds!!!  What a miracle!  They each got to wear clothes for the first time last week.  I was shocked to see them with clothes on their backs.  Of course, they are still huge on them but it is a step in the right direction.

Adeline lookin' like summertime in her yellow onesie

 

Maralee is pretty in pink :)

 

God continues to amaze me with his timing.  Last week was a time of healing and restoration of faith for me.  Each day, I continued to accept his peace and for the first time in a long time I felt light.  My burdens had been lifted to a shoulder much stronger than mine.  I was actually able to enjoy my hospital visits and not be anxious while I was away.  Raleigh was in a wedding this past Saturday for a dear childhood friend and the girls were doing so well that I decided to go with him.  I will admit that I was still a teeny tiny bit nervous to be away from the girls but the fact that I was able to leave town for the night shows how much I trusted the Lord.  Through the weekend, we ran into people that have been following our blog and it was so encouraging to us to receive their kind words.  When arriving back in Montgomery, our first stop was to the NICU and we were welcomed by these faces:

Maralee at six weeks

 

Adeline at six weeks

 

Absence sure does make the heart grow fonder!  Every day, the girls continue to grow and amaze me with their personalities.  Adeline has started to be so alert and she is actually enjoying her pacifier.  Maralee loves to be in K-care.  Raleigh and I have started to read books to them at night and it is so cute to see their eyes move at the sound of our voices. 

Even though the girls have made such progress, we still have a long way to go.  Yesterday, Maralee received another ugly infection. Basically, she got a hospital bacteria in her blood stream.  She is receiving antibiotics and the doctor assured me that it is treatable but we hate to see this setback.  This is round 3 but I must say that so far I am taking it much better than I did the first two times.  I am trying very hard to put my trust in God and to let him handle this infection.  Somebody gave me this verse and it fits perfectly: "But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."  My times are in your hands" (Psalm 31:14-15).

This whole journey thus far has been about me trusting God with my children and Him refining my faith.  Mathew 10:8 states, "Freely you have received, freely give."  God has given us so much of His love and mercy and The Uncontainable Truth is my meek attempt at sharing His grace with all of you.  I want every person reading this blog to know how much God loves you.  He loves YOU.  He desires to have you as part of his kingdom.  Once you have accepted that Christ is your ultimate Savior; He desperately longs to have a deep relationship with you. 

Friends, the coolest thing about blogs and testimonies is that they inspire others.  I started this because someone inspired me.  If our story has inspired you, what are you going to do about it?  God has a great plan for your life and He is so ready for you to let Him show it to you.  The question is, will you let him?

...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do.  God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act. - Proverbs 24:12

The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers to his harvest field - Matthew 9:37

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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4 Kangaroo Care

Good Monday morning!

It is unreal to me that a week ago we were told that Maralee needed to go to Birmingham.  How far we have come since last Monday!  God has been so faithful to our family and has heard all of our prayers.  First, Maralee has done a complete turn-around since Monday.  Now that she has her PICC line, she is able to get her medicine without being constantly pricked.  She started back on her feeds and now she is getting 10 cc's every three hours (a week ago she was getting no food, just the fluids to give her vitamins, fats, etc.).  Both of our girls have been digesting the formula and they weigh 2 pounds 9 ounces.  Last week they were around 2.4 so that is definitely an improvement. 

Another great blessing that the Lord provided us is we got to experience Kangaroo Care with Adeline.  *K- care is when a parent holds their preemie skin-to-skin.  This helps preemies gain weight faster, leave the hospital sooner, cry less, have more stable temperatures, are more alert, sleep better, breathe better, and have more stable heart rates.  It also helps parents not to feel depressed, interact more with baby, feel more important, and bond better.  Research shows that when babies nestle against a parent's chest, especially with their ear over the heartbeat, the contact with the parent's body seems to stabilize the baby's breathing and heart rate.  Feeling mom or dad helps to remind the preemie to breathe.

Holding Adeline so close to me was the best feeling.  I actually got to touch her baby soft skin and feel the rhythm of her heartbeat on my chest.  It was so cool.  I could stay in K-care for hours if the nurses let me.  Raleigh also got to try it and his heart just melted.  Seeing those big eyes looking up at him made my husband hopelessly in love with that little girl.

I believe that God let us experience K-care to help us through last week.  It was a rough week but that was his way of providing some sunshine on an otherwise dreary week.  God has a way of surprising us when we least expect it.  Neither one of us thought we would get to hold them so close to us while we were in the hospital so it was a very gratifying reward. 

On a final note, I have been asking God to help me accept his peace.  Through this experience, I have struggled with the fact that my normal means of releasing tension just won't work right now.  I'm not quite ready to work out, I can't go on vacation to the beach, and it has been hard for us to have a date night without thinking about the girls.  Whenever I'm not at the hospital, I start to miss the girls.  It is an unusual feeling to be a parent but not really have the full responsibilities of a parent right now.  I think that is why I have left this experience on my shoulders because it gives me a feeling of "doing" something for the girls.  In some weird way, it is my way of looking after them.  But, I have got to give that up because it is just too exhausting.  I'm not myself and I can't carry this weight on my own, so I need to stop trying.  Frankly, I'm tired and we still have a long journey ahead of us.  So, I am trying very hard to give my worries to the Lord.  They are his children and we just have them on loan.  I thank him everyday for giving us these beautiful baby girls but I have to remind myself that they are His gift to us, not something I bought on my own.  Yesterday, while taking communion, I felt His presence whispering to me, "Here is my peace.  Take it child."  I hung my head and accepted a small portion of what I needed most.  I have been having such an internal battle of accepting his peace but I have begun to realize that receiving this is the only way I can release my built-up tension. If I want to unwind this tightly-wound ball inside of my chest I have to allow His peace to come inside of me.  It is on me to ask for this peace because he continually offers it to me.  Matthew 7:7-8 tells us, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

*The Premature Baby Book

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3 The Feelings

Lord, I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired, sad, grateful, and scared all at the same time.  I feel like I have been going through the clothes dryer with my feelings just tumbling around in circles.  God, I have faith in you and I do trust you with our girls.  But, I still have fear and sadly I have doubt.  It scares me to think that one of them or both might not make it.  I feel like we have come so far in a month and then boom! something like Monday happens.  That whole day was so hard for me.  I could barely speak because if I did I knew the tears would soon follow.  Deep down I understood that taking her to Birmingham was only going to help her but I had a fear that she wouldn't return.  It was so sad to see her in her little incubator with her head shaved.  She just looked so sick.  Maralee kept putting her hand to her face for comfort.  To watch her comfort herself killed me.  That is my job as mommy - she shouldn't have to comfort herself at such a young age.  I can tell by her face and body movements that she feels pain.  My little girl looks like a pushpin.  She has at least six prick marks in her right arm alone.  God, I can only imagine how you felt seeing your son on the cross with all of the holes in his arms.  My cry as her mother is for her to be strong.  You gave her a spirited personality for reasons such as this.  Oh God, how I love her.  I know you love her so much more but I love her so, so much.  You are the only one that can fix her and make her feel better.  I feel so worthless at times.  I know that my ways of helping her are to pray, visit, and breast pump but I just don't feel like that is enough.  I wish I could do more.

God, life is not easy.  It is hard.  I am so tired right now.  I do realize that this is a mere moment in the grand scheme of things but it is a moment that I am living every single day.  This is a defining moment in my faith towards your almighty being.   I believe in you and I trust you.  Your peace is hovering over my head like a helicopter but I haven't granted you permission to land.  Having a peaceful state of mind just doesn't feel right.  I need to stop carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders.  It would make this journey a whole lot lighter.  How come I know all of these things but I am not doing them?  Is it a lack of faith or trust?  I am not sure.  Jesus, I love you and I need you.  I am weak and you are strong.  Thank you for your unconditional love.

You are the LIGHT in the darkness.  You are the COMFORTER to the weak.  You are the ALPHA and OMEGA.  You are our awesome CREATOR.  You are the ultimate PHYSICIAN.  You are STRONG and your LOVE is unfailing.  You are the KING of kings and the LORD of lords.  Thank you for your GRACE and MERCY.

Oh, God, how I need you. With you, I have no doubt that everything is going to be alright.  It might not be the way that I want but in the end we won't have any more pain or suffering.  Please give me your strength to make it through this journey. Thank you for your love.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

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5 We must protect this house

Today has been an interesting day.  It seems that the Price house is a little on edge right now.  Yesterday, our neighbor's house was broken into.  Robberies can happen in any city but it really makes you aware of your surroundings when it happens in your neighborhood.  What makes it scary is I was home alone when it happened yet had no clue until Raleigh's mom came home and she saw our neighbor.  Today, Mrs. Price and I decided to go out to eat for lunch and Raleigh calls me minutes after we left saying that our house alarm was going off.  We race back home and start blaring our horn outside of our house.  I guess we thought we would be scaring off the bad guys but it ended up just being a false alarm.  I am glad because if I had seen a bad guy run out of our house I do believe I would have had a heart attack and the horn would not do us any good!!!!!

After that scare, we ate some lunch and then headed to the hospital to see the girls.  Our amazing pastors met us at the NICU so they could pray over Adeline and Maralee.  After scrubbing our hands up and down, we walked into their shared room with 17 other little ones and started to receive the updated report from the nurse and doctor.  Turns out, the little infection that Maralee might have is actually a real staff infection.  The doctor told  us it could be caused by the ventilator tube that is down her throat right now or it could have been passed on to her from any of the doctors, nurses, etc. that have been checking her in the hospital.  She has started on antibiotics but since she has this infection she is now on quarantine.  There is a big red box around her incubator and this is to show that anybody that touches her needs to wear gloves and a sterile hospital gown.  This also means that she will probably be in isolation until she gets to go home. 

That was hard news for us to hear.  All in all, this is something that is common around the hospital but it is just an added thing for Maralee's body to fight.  It is taking a lot of willpower to not be angry at this situation.  This almost seems like something that someone else gave her; not something that was caused by her premature birth.  It is so easy to place blame on this unknown person that accidentally gave her this infection but I am starting to figure out that I can't go down this road of pointing fingers.  Through their lives, many people are going to accidentally cause harm to my children.  As their mom, I need to just go ahead and forgive this person and pray that healing will come.  As always, this is easier said than done :)

Friends, it pains me to see my little girl going through so much.  I do realize that God is taking any discomfort from her little body right now and whispering sweet things to her, but it kills me to see that red line around her "house."  I know that the red line is keeping the bad guys out but it is also keeping me out.  I want to protect her, to hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright, but even I, her mom, can't get close to her.  The little privilege that we had of touching her has been taken away and now we have to fully trust in Jesus' love for Maralee right now. 

I don't think I have told this story yet, but Maralee's name was the first name that Raleigh and I thought of for the girls.  We loved the idea of combining family names into one new name.  Maralee's name originated from my Paw Paw, Marion Jackson  and Raleigh's Nan Nan, Okalee.  My Paw Paw has always been someone that I have admired.  He has such faith in Christ and has the lines on his hands to show his labor in life has been for the Lord.  My Paw Paw has always been on the smaller side but boy could he run back in his day!  His nickname was Jack "Rabbit" and he ran track and played football for Auburn.  Raleigh's grandmother is also someone to admire because she has shown such strength for so many years.  Her husband died of a heart attack when Raleigh was young but she continues on with her life.  She cooks, goes to work, and has even learned how to use the computer. :)  She is truly a woman of noble character that knows how to keep her family together. 

Since we chose Maralee's name first, we decided to give it to Baby B.  It was our way of making things fair for Baby A.  Looking at both of my girls, I know that their names already fit their personalities.  The name Adeline reminds me of "Sweet Caroline" and I think she looks so sweet and peaceful laying in her incubator.  She doesn't move much yet she loves to hold our hands when we touch her.  Inside my womb, I always felt Baby B kicking and squirming around and Maralee is obviously that baby now.  She is a little fighter and she isn't going to let this yucky mess get the best of her. 

I look down at Maralee and she reminds me that I need to be a fighter too.  I need to be strong and show courage when I get these kind of reports.  It is so hard because I feel like the devil is using her to get to me.  He knows that we thought of her name first so he is attacking her harder than Adeline right now.  It is symbolic to me that the line around her incubator is red.  The color red can easily be associated with satan and I just pray that God's angels are inside of that red tape blocking out the arsenal that he is throwing at our baby girl.  This is truly a war that we are caught in right now. 

This afternoon, riding home in the car, Mrs. Price reminded me of the battle of the good and bad angels over Moses' body.  Deuteronomy 34:6 tells us that the Lord buried Moses and to this day no one knows where his grave is.  God buried him so the devil couldn't use Moses' remains against God's chosen people.   Hebrews 3: 1-14 tells us,

"Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.  He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God's house.  Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself.  For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.  Moses was faithful as a servant in all God's house, testifying to what would be said in the future.  But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house.  And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast.  So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did.  That is why I was angry with that generation, and I said, 'Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.  So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.'  See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.  But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.  We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first."

Friends, many of you have been so sweet and encouraging to me as I go through this situation.  I am no superwoman, I am just a girl that became a mom and is now trying her best to hold things together.  I have to be faithful...I am nowhere near Moses, but I have to be a faithful servant to God's house right now.  I can't have a hardened heart during this situation, I have to have courage and faith in Christ.  I thank you for your daily encouragement and am so thankful for Today because it is another day that I get to share with these beautiful little girls.

Below are two pictures that I wanted to share.  In the first picture, the tube that is going through Maralee's mouth is the ventilator.  Please pray that she will start to breathe on her own so she can go back on the CPAP that is going through her nose in the second picture.  This device allows her to breathe better.  We need to pray that both girls will get on the CPAP quickly so they can start to digest their food.  Praise God that all other reports are looking good right now. 

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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0 Our lifesaver

If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.
-John 14: 15-17

Today, I want to talk about love. We all love different things in life. We love our mates, we love our parents, and we love our new pair of shoes. I have been reading a lot about love lately in the Love Dare book. Love is patient, love is kind, love is a choice that people make to stay together forever. On the human scale of loving someone, I can't imagine ever loving anyone more than I love Raleigh. And my family. I would do practically anything for them out of love. That doesn't mean I always agree with them or like them, but I do love them and I make a choice to love them every single day.

Another thing I love is being outdoors. This morning, as I am typing, I am looking at a crystal blue sky and autumn leaves. What a glorious day! The sound of leaves crunching under my feet, the deep breaths of fresh air I inhale; all of these things are a gift given to me from my wonderful Creator.

The verse that we opened with was spoken by Jesus and how he promises for us to have the Holy Spirit when we accept him into our hearts. *Faith is believing that Jesus is one with the Father and the Spirit and that the Spirit will always stand by Christ's people.

I don't know about you, but I desperately need the Spirit to be in my life every day. This verse calls the Spirit to be our Counselor - someone we can go to with our problems and our needs. He is our confidant, someone we can trust with our problems every single second of every single day.

Do you want to know why we can trust our Savior? Because he is righteous and just. See for yourself in this passage from Psalm 85: 8-13:

I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints - but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps.

Some of the key words that stand out to me in this verse are peace, love and faithfulness. All of these things are promised to us because of our righteous Lord. I love the imagery of 'righteousness looks down from heaven.' It makes me think about how throughout the day, usually in the early morning or just before the sun begins to set, we see these beautiful beams shining down from the sky. Next time you see this ray of sunshine, think about it as God smiling down on us from Heaven because he knows that we are choosing what is right.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord or fully declare his praise? Blessed are they who maintain justice, who constantly do what is right.
Psalm 106: 1-3

So, if we as Christians are promised to have peace, love, and justice for what is right, why are so many things wrong in our life? Why do we feel so desperate sometimes and like we keep taking all left turns instead of right? I think it is two main things:
1. Satan
2. Not completely trusting God to take care of us

Hear me out on this one. I feel like this earth is a constant battle ground. Somebody or something is always going to be an obstacle that Satan throws at us to make us not trust that God is going to fix it. A lot of times, we rely on our own decision making skills or the thoughts from our mates and family members to get us through the tough stuff. Or, we do take time to give our worries to God but we are still anxious and don't trust that He is actually going to take care of them.

When we desperately seek God, our Counselor, we will realize that all we need is him. It is okay to tell your problems to your loved ones but honestly there is only so much that they can do or say to make it better. God, our Wonderful Creator, Beautiful Savior, the Name ABOVE All Names is reaching out his hand as we are hanging from the ledge saying "Grab my hand, Trust me, follow me!" When we have faith in Him alone, we will be living in his righteousness.

Friends, I think a lot of us are swimming in the middle of the pool. We can't really touch the bottom but we can still swim back to the shallow end if needed. God is waiting for us in the deep end, asking us to take that leap of faith off the diving board to completely and utterly trust him that we won't sink.

I will tell you one thing: Satan is not going to like this and he is going to try really hard to drown you in the deep end. When you feel like he is getting a hold of you, just tell him to go away and hold on to Jesus, our lifesaver.

Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation. -Psalm 91: 14-16

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

*Zondervan NIV Study Bible

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1 Change of Season

In Alabama, it is hard to truly define seasons changing. I usually get the feeling of a change in season when different activities begin. For this season, football has taken over so I am sure fall will soon follow. This past weekend, we were in attendance to not one but two football games. On Friday night, we went to a local high school football game to watch one of our friends coach his team. I was very surprised that the evening actually felt cool and not humid for a change! It was refreshing to think that soon the leaves will start to change colors and I can wear jeans without sweating during the day :) Auburn football took center stage on Saturday as we drove to the loveliest village on the plains. Something about sitting in a tailgating chair eating tons of food, while watching orange and blue fans walk around just excites me. Every time I step on campus, memories come flooding back to me about my Auburn experience.

However, while these things are the enjoyable parts of a change in season, I also know things are shifting because my schedule changes and I start to get anxious during my day. So, for anybody that has been feeling a little stressed lately, this post is for you!

The verse that I am going to refer to today is in Phillipians, chapter four, verses six and seven. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Often, when I think of the word anxious, other words such as worry and overwhelmed come to my head. Usually, I start to feel this way when I have a lot on my plate and it looks like everything won't get eaten before it goes cold! September has started my new year at work. New goals, new volunteers, and new meetings. With that change, summer is officially over for me and it is time to start checking the to-do's off of my calendar. Even though my events are eight months away, a lot has to be done starting now. When I see the long list on my timelines, a feeling of anxiousness creeps into my stomach and I start to worry.

Now, if I always did what I was supposed to, I would automatically drop down to my knees and give this to God. But, me the the im-perfect person that I am, I hold that feeling all to myself. In this sense of the word, anxious turns into self-centeredness and counterproductive worry. I get myself all worked up for nothing and in return, nothing gets done because I am too worried about it! The word "anything" in this verse is stated as "nothing" in the KJV and this is translated into the word medeis which means "not even one (man, woman, or thing)."

Anxiety and prayer are two great opposing forces in a being a christian. Especially type A christians! Type A's think we can do it on our own. We don't like to give "to-do's" to others out of fear and distrust that they won't be completed correctly. But, not giving our to-do's to God? How crazy are we to think that we can handle our problems better than He can? Instead, we should be thankful that He loves us so much that He wants to handle all of our problems. He doesn't want us to carry the weight of this "man, woman, or thing" on our shoulders. He is strong so we need to let God do the push-ups instead of us.

When we finally decide to let God pump some iron, we should go to him with thankful hearts, i.e. the term "thanksgiving." After I finish my prayers, I always have this feeling of peace wash over me. The notes in my Bible state that the "peace of God" is an inner tranquility based on the peaceful state of those whose sins are forgiven. This is the complete opposite of anxiety!!! It also states that when believers have this peace, they have a sense of a divine favour. This term makes me think of the saying, "If God is on my side, who can be against me?"

The ending of this verse states that this peace will guard our hearts and minds. Think of God as your personal soldier standing guard against all "man, woman, or thing" that can cause you worry. He is a strong soldier that is protective of his child. His goal is to keep you safe and not let the enemy conquer your heart and your mind.

Friends, cast your worries upon God. I know I have stopped trying to fight the fact that He can handle it better than I can. My goal is to attempt to be in constant prayer to God, giving him everything every single minute of every single day. I know that if I ever accomplish this goal, my life will be filled with a constant peace of mind. With this peace of mind comes an even more thankful heart to my strong, mighty Father. Then, I can fully enjoy the changing seasons without being anxious about any "man, woman, or thing."

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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