3 The Feelings

Lord, I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired, sad, grateful, and scared all at the same time.  I feel like I have been going through the clothes dryer with my feelings just tumbling around in circles.  God, I have faith in you and I do trust you with our girls.  But, I still have fear and sadly I have doubt.  It scares me to think that one of them or both might not make it.  I feel like we have come so far in a month and then boom! something like Monday happens.  That whole day was so hard for me.  I could barely speak because if I did I knew the tears would soon follow.  Deep down I understood that taking her to Birmingham was only going to help her but I had a fear that she wouldn't return.  It was so sad to see her in her little incubator with her head shaved.  She just looked so sick.  Maralee kept putting her hand to her face for comfort.  To watch her comfort herself killed me.  That is my job as mommy - she shouldn't have to comfort herself at such a young age.  I can tell by her face and body movements that she feels pain.  My little girl looks like a pushpin.  She has at least six prick marks in her right arm alone.  God, I can only imagine how you felt seeing your son on the cross with all of the holes in his arms.  My cry as her mother is for her to be strong.  You gave her a spirited personality for reasons such as this.  Oh God, how I love her.  I know you love her so much more but I love her so, so much.  You are the only one that can fix her and make her feel better.  I feel so worthless at times.  I know that my ways of helping her are to pray, visit, and breast pump but I just don't feel like that is enough.  I wish I could do more.

God, life is not easy.  It is hard.  I am so tired right now.  I do realize that this is a mere moment in the grand scheme of things but it is a moment that I am living every single day.  This is a defining moment in my faith towards your almighty being.   I believe in you and I trust you.  Your peace is hovering over my head like a helicopter but I haven't granted you permission to land.  Having a peaceful state of mind just doesn't feel right.  I need to stop carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders.  It would make this journey a whole lot lighter.  How come I know all of these things but I am not doing them?  Is it a lack of faith or trust?  I am not sure.  Jesus, I love you and I need you.  I am weak and you are strong.  Thank you for your unconditional love.

You are the LIGHT in the darkness.  You are the COMFORTER to the weak.  You are the ALPHA and OMEGA.  You are our awesome CREATOR.  You are the ultimate PHYSICIAN.  You are STRONG and your LOVE is unfailing.  You are the KING of kings and the LORD of lords.  Thank you for your GRACE and MERCY.

Oh, God, how I need you. With you, I have no doubt that everything is going to be alright.  It might not be the way that I want but in the end we won't have any more pain or suffering.  Please give me your strength to make it through this journey. Thank you for your love.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

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11 Today

Today, I have chosen to trade my sorrows for joy.  Today is not going to be a day filled with sadness and despair but it is going to be a day filled with hope and strength.  I am choosing to have a positive attitude and to not dwell in the negative.  I am choosing life instead of death.  You want to know why? I will tell you why. 

Today is the day that the Lord has made, so I am going to REJOICE and be GLAD in it!

Today my little girls are 19 days old!  This morning, my little Adeline showed me her b-e-a-utiful eyes.  

Today, our Maralee is choosing to fight off the bad guys.  

They are showing strength and progress so I need to do the same. 

Friends, I can not express how gratifying it is to Raleigh and I to know that our family is in your prayers.  We have been given an overwhelming show of prayer and love from all of you and it really is so encouraging to us.  Trust me, we read every comment, wall post and e-mail that you all send us and it really gives us strength.  Thank you for sharing your own stories of hope and suffering with us...it makes us realize that we all have problems and we all have one mighty God that takes time to listen to our needs.

A sweet girl that I have always admired shared the following verse with me as something that helped her during one of her trials.  I will admit that it struck me to my core so I have it written on my dry-erase board on my refrigerator where I can see it every time I go into the kitchen.  The verse is from Isaiah 41:10:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

As you can see from my previous posts, something that I have really been struggling with is fear.  Fear of the worst possible thing happening to one or both of my baby girls.  I realize that Jesus has even defeated Death itself and I believe that heaven is a far better place than earth; yet my heart longs for our little girls to stay here with us.  I want to dress them up in ribbons and pearls, have story time, and tuck them into bed at night.  My selfish desire is for our girls to stay here with us because I believe that God gave them to us as a blessing for choosing to follow Him.  I know that he can give and take away but that doesn't mean that I want him to take them away. 

Yesterday was my first day to visit the girls all by myself.  After a relaxing weekend (can you believe it?) I woke up on Monday realizing that the roller coaster was sure to take a twist very soon.  I don't know if that was negativity talking or me finally understanding that this journey is indeed a roller coaster but I woke up feeling sad.  Mid-morning we received a call from the doctor stating that Adeline had fluid around her lungs and heart so this was causing her to occasionally stop breathing.  We were also told that Maralee's test results were showing that she could possibly have a yeast infection and her platelet levels were low so she would be receiving red blood cells.  There was a possibility that if Maralee's platelets remained low that this could cause bleeding to her brain, which of course, freaked me out.  As I was visiting with the girls that afternoon, I got teary-eyed just looking at them.  Maralee was moved to a room all by herself since she was still on medicine for her staff infection.  That infection is getting better but the nurses want to make sure that no other babies receive it and we all have to wear plastic gloves and yellow robes to even enter into her room.  It made me feel like there was something wrong with her, like she was the kid being told that she couldn't play on the swings with all the other kids.

After leaving the hospital and arriving home to an empty house, I began reading a book about attitude.  Usually, I tend to have a positive outlook on life and I'm the type of girl that chooses to see the glass half-full.  I know you half-empty gals get annoyed at times due to the shiny-ness of the half-fullers but it helps for me to see the good in things.  As I began to read, I quickly realized that I was viewing this situation through a  half-empty glass.  I have been letting my fear bring worry and an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Guilt has plagued me the past two weeks for delivering them so early.  I haven't enjoyed getting my body back because deep down I feel like my stomach should be growing instead of decreasing right now.  I have been dealing with so many emotions and it has been difficult for me to see the joy instead of the pain.

Today, I am choosing to not let my fear consume me.  I am choosing to be joyful that I have been able to spend 19 crazy days with our sweet girls.  Today, I saw the red tape outside of Maralee's door as the blood of Jesus protecting her instead of the mark of satan trying to get to her.  Today, I saw Adeline's progress and not her sickness.  Today, I am choosing to

This IS the day that the Lord has made and with God ALL things are possible!

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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5 Trust and Thanksgiving

The weather is warm, school is coming to a close, and the jasmine is blooming through our neighborhoods. This is the time of the year that we all look forward to...summer. Time for vacations, time to relax, and time for us to rejuvenate our souls. Typically, our summers are filled with weekend trips to the beach where we lay out all day and enjoy the delicious seafood by night. We ride in the boat with the wind whipping through our hair and we soak up the glorious sunshine rays as the day goes by. Summertime is blissful time and I anxiously wait for this warm weather to come every single year.

This summer, things are a little different. Instead of sunshine, our little girls are basking under jaundice lights so their skin won't turn yellow. Rather than riding on a boat, the most wind I get in my hair has been from my hands nervously running through my curls. I get lucky if I take the time to smell the jasmine on my rather short walk around the block. This summer is different, that is for sure.

But, for some reason, I am starting to thank God for this summer. I am starting to thank Him for this experience and I have begun to sacrifice my warm lazy days for relentless prayer to my Savior. This summer I am not going on vacation but I am going on a spiritual journey where my destination is to grow my faith and trust in God Almighty.

Yesterday, that faith and trust was severely tested. Our dear Adeline took a turn for the worst as her little body became susceptible to an infection in her blood. The doctor told us that she got really bad really fast but they were able to treat her with antibiotics. Raleigh had told me of her condition at lunch as we shared fried chicken with our moms and grandparents. Instead of enjoying this southern favorite, my stomach could hardly handle looking at my plate. I put on a "happy face" as I warned our families of the latest news and told them that everything was going to be alright and they could still see the girls. After ringing the bell to enter the NICU, the nurse that greeted us told me that I could only have one guest because of her "condition." As mom and I scrubbed in, my gut started to get nervous. Walking over to her little incubator, I was not prepared for what I saw. Her skin was an awful sickly pale color and her neck had swollen up to three times of its normal size. She looked lifeless and I could barely see her little breaths that were being provided to her from the ventilator. All of a sudden, I couldn't take it anymore. As I burst into tears, the sweet nurses started to comfort me. It was just too much for me to handle.

I thought, haven't we been through enough? First Maralee and now Adeline? Then, my head realized what my heart had already figured out. Tuesday night, I was reading the lesson from my new devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. The lesson began with this line..."Thank ME for your problems." It then states, "Ask Me to show you My way to handle the situation." As I stared down at that page Tuesday night I really had trouble digesting the fact that I was supposed to be thankful for this problem. I am thankful for the lessons that are being learned but I have struggled with being thankful to see my girls going through so much suffering.

That night, as I cried tears on Raleigh's shoulder, I began to realize that being thankful for our problems doesn't have to mean being thankful to see them hurting. Being thankful means being thankful that God is in control of my problem, our situation...not me. I can't carry this burden...it is totally weighing me down. Everything seems so small and insignificant to me right now compared to the battle we are fighting. And, as a new mom, I have started to carry the weight of their world on my shoulders. I have not totally trusted God...I have fear and I am scared. I want his peace but I know I don't have it right now. I know this because I have not totally sacrificed this burden to Him. God's peace is waiting for me, I have to just give up all control and totally give Him my burdens.

Last night, I picked up a book I read in college called Strong Women, Soft Hearts. As I opened the book, I landed on chapter 6 entitled, Trust: The Art of Falling Backward. I thought...hmm..okay...I'm listening. The chapter opened with this quote from C.S. Lewis, "The thing is to rely only on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done."

That quote resonated to the deepest of my being last night after having such a difficult day. I began to let the words sink in and I began to understand that this too relates to being thankful for my problems. Trust and Thanksgiving are two words that are like peanut butter and jelly when it comes to our faith in Christ. Paula Rinehart goes on to say that "Trust hangs somewhere between knowing what your heart longs for and trying to dictate the shape or timing or outcome of your heart's desire." My heart is longing for the peace of God to wrap around my soul yet I still have not completely trusted Him with my desire to raise these two little girls. I want everything to be okay but I am not letting Him in to make everything okay. Throughout my life, I have prided myself on not being a quitter but right now I want to quit being in control and start trusting that God is in control of this situation.

Just moments ago, I received an update from the doctor. He gave me great news on both Adeline and Maralee! He said that Adeline's swelling had gone down tremendously and all of her reports came back looking good. Maralee is digesting her breast milk and is coming close to being off the ventilator. Friends, I am THANKFUL!!!! Praise God that He is in control and listens to our problems! I am still on the road to complete trust yet I know that my heart is getting closer to allowing His peace to wash through my soul.

Thank you again for all of your prayers. I have complete confidence that they are being heard. I know that there are many others that are going through tough stuff right now so I thank you for thinking of us.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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4 A Very Happy Mother's Day

So, I wasn't quite sure how I would be feeling for my very first Mother's Day.  Of course, I was extremely grateful to be celebrating this holiday for the first time, but I wasn't sure if emotionally I would be able to hold myself together.  I can officially say that I had a wonderful Mother's Day and that once again the Lord showed me his grace and love.

To start the day off, Raleigh fixed me breakfast in bed.  We had yummy cinnamon rolls (these have become a habit for us on Sunday mornings) that were cooked perfect...a little gooey in the center but firm on the edges.  After we finished breakfast, he surprised me with my first Mother's Day gift.  I looked at him in disbelief because I had no idea how he had time to get me a gift with his test last week.  My sweet husband went to the hospital one morning while I was still asleep and took these beautiful pictures of our precious little girls.  He said that the nurses were all over this little project and they were so helpful to him in this little scheme.  Thank you Dawn and Pamela!

Adeline's hand

Maralee's hand

Adeline's toes

Maralee's toes

 

After I opened my present, we got ready to head to church.  I knew that this is where I was supposed to be yesterday morning but I will admit I feared that I would totally break down in front of everyone.  We got there a little late but still got to sit with our awesome friends and joined them in worshiping our amazing Savior.  During the service, they played a song that I haven't heard before but it really struck home to me.  It was all about how God hears our requests and how He answers them.  After our rough Wednesday night, I spent some serious time in prayer on Thursday and Friday.  As I was praying for the health of our babies, I began to plead with God for them to stay with us on earth.  Friends, I truly believe that God has a greater plan than what we can see in front of us and I know ultimately that His will for our lives is what is most important.  I am trying with all of my heart to see His will in this situation but at the same time I will admit that I selfishly want the chance to raise these girls into women.  I believe that He gave us this blessing because we chose to follow Him and He knows that this has been a desire on my heart.   

Psalm 20:1, 4-5 says, "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress, may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.  We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the LORD grant all your requests."

Friends, I want these little girls to come home with us one day very soon. I want to celebrate Mother's Day for many years to come.  I want to see them grow up, go to college, and marry a great guy one day.  I still fear the worst, but I can't let that fear control my life and my thoughts.  Right now, our nursery is half-way completed.  The little clothes still have their tags on them and we have so much to organize and put in its place.  Normally, I would be in hog-heaven getting to do all of this (I am so type A when it comes to organization) but my fears are making me timid.  Part of me is scared to take the tags off.....but the other part of me knows that I have to have faith that He is hearing my requests.  I can't live in fear; I have to continue to seek the good in this situation. 

So, yesterday, on Mother's Day, I chose to be happy and to celebrate me being a mom.  When we arrived at the hospital, I received another present from each of the girls.  The nurses had stamped their little footprints on some cards saying that today they were 9 days old.  Praise God that they are 9 days old!!!!!  I also received some sweet flower bouquets with a poem from Footprints Ministry.  Both of these gifts brought a smile to my face and I really enjoyed getting to love on my Adeline and my Maralee.  Thank you nurses and Footprints Ministry for being so thoughtful to us new mommies!!!!

Sweet friends, I truly want to thank you for all of your prayers and gifts.  Thank you to everyone that sent me messages yesterday, it means so much to me that you thought of me.  We believe in the power of prayer and that faith as small as a mustard seed CAN move mountains.  We are still running this marathon so please continue to pray for our family.  Specifically pray for the girls to both work on their breathing so they can move on to digesting their feedings.  Pray for me to remain positive and not let fear consume me....let me have the peace of God wash over me.  Pray for Raleigh to continue to be the leader of our family and for Him to not get overwhelmed with work, tests, and our situation.  Thank you so much again for thinking of us and we will continue to keep you all updated!

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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