2 Under Pressure

This month I realized that I put too much pressure on myself to succeed.  This revelation occurred to me last Monday as our family was driving to Dothan.  The warm haziness of the sun had just drifted beyond reach and darkness started to set in as we drove south on Highway 231.  Raleigh and I had been in a tizzy earlier that day and we were finally discussing our gripes with one another.  Lately, I have been a bit of a grinch.  My tongue has been short and I haven't really enjoyed the companionship of my husband.  Everything he had done last month just plain got on my nerves.  If he took all of the covers at bedtime I felt like he was doing it to make me feel cold.  If he drank the last gulp of water out of our shared cup, it was his fault it was empty.  When our big dog was hysterically hyper I threatened to have him stay in Dothan next time we visited because it was Raleigh's fault that he was acting this way.  Anything and everything about that boy was just getting on my nerves.

Needless to say, what conversation we had up to that point in the car had been limited.  Finally, neither one of us could take the silence any more and on that two hour drive we both apologized for the way we had been treating one another.  Raleigh said that he has been having trouble being at work instead of home with the girls.  He knew our dog needed to be exercised but he would rather spend time holding and kissing our babies instead of running.  He was having a difficult time managing all of his responsibilities and he felt like I had too high of expectations for him.  He was right about the last one.  I expect way too much from my husband.  I want him to be the perfect family man and I often ignore any signs of struggle.

Raleigh did have some blame-worthy moments this past October, but I take first place in the one instigating the problems.  It all goes back to my need to succeed.  Last month, I was stressed.  I finally realized that on our drive home.  As the cow pastures and peanut fields passed by my window, my heart began to soften.  I just started to talk, hiding my tears in the darkness of the night.  I felt so bad for the way I had been treating Raleigh.  He was such an easy target and it made me feel better to place blame on him rather than myself.  As I was talking, I realized that the pressures in my life are put there only by me.  I used to think it was my circumstances or my job.  Whenever I used to feel stressed I thought it was because I had to do what I was doing and if I could only choose how to live my life I wouldn't feel stressed.  I realized that ever since I stopped working outside the home I have still put pressure on myself to stay busy.  I think that made me feel like my days were still worthwhile; that somehow what I do now is still just as important as having a real job that gave me a pay check every two weeks.  I want my life to be filled with substantial days and not let any hour go to waste.

So, the question I had to ask myself, "Is caring for my babies wasteful?"  My answer every time is, "No, it most certainly is not."  I realized that the babies are not the root of my issue.  I think the reason I feel this way is because I still have my own goals that I want to see fulfilled.  If I don't take time to work on these goals, I will feel like my purpose in life was never accomplished.  I don't want to look back in twenty years and wish I had taken more time to devote to this ambition but at the same time I don't want to miss out on any moment with my two beautiful little miracles.  So, is now the time to accomplish these goals?

This is where my problem lies.  My girls are my number one priority besides God and my husband.  Period.  End of discussion.  When our day starts, I do everything that I have to for them.  We eat, change diapers, play, learn, grow, and sleep.  That takes up a major portion of my day.  What time I have left is juggled between friends, family, household commitments, quiet time with God, the blog, learning to sew, and my goals among other things.  Every day is different but I try so hard to keep consistency.  I think that if I stick to my planner as a guideline, I will get everything accomplished.  But, I think I push myself too hard some days.  When it looks like I'm not going to get things done, I start to feel anxious.  That is where the pressure begins.  It is this need for perfection that is driving me nuts.  I need to be satisfied to focus on quality rather than quantity.

Before the girls were born, I really felt like God was calling me to go deeper with my writing.  Our whole experience in the NICU

My quiet time is way shorter these days and my prayers have been more of thankfulness than anything else.  I have SO much to be thankful for and I feel like now is the time to act on how gracious He has been to me.  Last year was a time for seeking out my purpose and I felt the calling on my life.  Why is it so hard now to accomplish it?  Why am I second guessing it?  I think it is because I see this huge picture and I'm not taking it one step at a time.  If I have learned anything, it is to trust God and give Him all control.  I need to take some time to spend with him in genuine prayer.  My soul is yearning to scoot closer to Him so I can rest my head on His shoulder.  He needs to stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be okay.  I need to look at Him and realize that Christ is perfection and it is our goal to live our lives like Christ but not as Christ.  I need to know that what I am doing is meaningful in His eyes and is part of His plan for my life.

So, friends, I think I need to spend some alone time with God.  I need to remember that what I am doing is very meaningful.  It is growing me into the woman that I want to become but that woman needs to stop putting so much pressure on herself.  I have to get past this need to succeed and literally take things one day at a time like I did this summer.  Getting back to the heart of the matter, I have to trust in God's perfect timing.  If this goal of mine is meant to be fulfilled in the near future, it will.  I need to remember what God has already taught me so I can continue to move forward instead of going backwards.  This month might be a little different for my blogging.  As important as it is to me, I might not be posting as much material this month as I have been.  Who knows, I might be posting a ton if I feel His gentle prompting...I guess we will see as the days unfold.  All I know is I need to spend some genuine time filling up my soul through His truth.  Thank you for allowing me to share such tender feelings; I already feel like this is a step in the right direction.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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0 Hannah's Prayer

First Samuel tells the story of a woman named Hannah that desperately wanted to bear a child.  The Lord had closed her womb and she became very bitter and wept much while praying to the Lord.  She made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head" (1 Samuel 1:11).  Soon, Hannah bore a child and named him Samuel, "because she asked the Lord for him" (1 Samuel 1:20).   After she had weaned Samuel, she took him to Eli the priest saying, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" (1 Samuel 1:27).

Many women that we are surrounded by pray Hannah's prayer.  Most of the time, when a husband and wife make the decision to start adding on to their family, they want it to happen immediately.  The couple starts to pay attention to friends that have babies and ask other friends when they are going to start trying to conceive.  While shopping, the wife drifts to the baby aisle and gently tugs at little booties as she walks by.  Everywhere the couple turns they see babies and they long to have their own little bundle of joy.  As months close, feelings of anxiousness and uncertainty surface while waiting to see the results from their home pregnancy test.  When the results are negative, the anxiousness is replaced with a sad lump that can't be fixed by the husband. Like Hannah in the beginning of the story, it is easy to become bitter when we don't get what we so desperately want. *According to scripture, prayers can remain unanswered because:
1. Sin in the life of the person praying
2. Lack of faith
3. Praying from impure motives
4. Not praying according to God's will

We are all sinners.  Ministers, football coaches, non-profit CEO's; we come in all shapes and sizes but we all share a common identity as sinners.  But, some enjoy sin more than others and make decisions based on their own selfish desires.  We live for ourselves and not for others.  We choose to ignore that nagging voice in our head that says we shouldn't do what we are doing.  Psalm 66:18 says, "If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened."  God wants us to repent our sins and ask for forgiveness.  He wants us to seek Him first in all the things that we do.  The more intimate our relationship becomes with Christ, the better choices we make as to how we live our lives.

But, what if we believe in Jesus and still no answer?  Well, we might want to ask ourselves how much we truly have faith in Jesus.  Do we make our own decisions in life or do we trust in Him?  Do we pray just for the big stuff but handle our day-to-day activities all on our own?  God wants us to completely give over our reign of control and have faith in His direction for our lives. "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord" (James 1:6-7).  God desires for us to be faithful in our beliefs and not doubt His ways.

After examining our first two reasons for unanswered prayer, we might need to think about our motives for the prayer that we are seeking.  Do you want to have a baby because your heart longs to raise up a child of faith or do you want to have a baby because your husband is getting bored with you and you think this is a way to make him stay instead of stray?  Friends, our motives matter to God.  There is no getting around it.  James 4:3 tells us that when we ask and don't receive it is because we are asking with wrong motives.  We want our prayer to be answered for our own pleasures, not for God's glory.

Finally, we need to be praying according to God's will. "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us" (1 John 5:14).  Some might ask, "Well, how do I know if this is God's will for my life?"  Prayer is a two way street.  It shouldn't just be us doing the talking; we also have to learn to listen.  When we shut out everything around us and sit still in the presence of God, we become changed.  Our hearts feel peace.  Our worries are swept away.  Our shoulders no longer feel so heavy and tired.  The Holy Spirit comes inside us and washes us clean.  When praying from a standpoint of God's will, you realize that He is in control and everything will happen according to His plan.  You let go of your own desires and trust Him with your life.  You realize that even if your prayer isn't answered, God still loves you and you still love God. 

**God answers some prayers immediately, some eventually, and some only in eternity.  It is easy to become frustrated in our prayer life when we meet all of the requirements and still don't receive an answer to our prayer.  We must hold on to the truth of God being a sovereign God.  Have you ever noticed that in the word sovereign, the ending is reign?  That is exactly what sovereign means.  God is the King of Kings and He reigns over us. Submitting to God is allowing Him to have supreme authority over our lives.  For wives that continue to have Hannah's prayer unanswered, put your hope in the Lord's supreme power and path for your life. We must be content in knowing that if we have repented our sins, live our lives in faith, pray from pure motives, and ask according to God's will that He will show us His sovereign ways in due time.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

*The Daily Walk Bible. 1 Samuel 1-3.**The Upper Room. May-June 2010, pg. 38.

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3 The Feelings

Lord, I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired, sad, grateful, and scared all at the same time.  I feel like I have been going through the clothes dryer with my feelings just tumbling around in circles.  God, I have faith in you and I do trust you with our girls.  But, I still have fear and sadly I have doubt.  It scares me to think that one of them or both might not make it.  I feel like we have come so far in a month and then boom! something like Monday happens.  That whole day was so hard for me.  I could barely speak because if I did I knew the tears would soon follow.  Deep down I understood that taking her to Birmingham was only going to help her but I had a fear that she wouldn't return.  It was so sad to see her in her little incubator with her head shaved.  She just looked so sick.  Maralee kept putting her hand to her face for comfort.  To watch her comfort herself killed me.  That is my job as mommy - she shouldn't have to comfort herself at such a young age.  I can tell by her face and body movements that she feels pain.  My little girl looks like a pushpin.  She has at least six prick marks in her right arm alone.  God, I can only imagine how you felt seeing your son on the cross with all of the holes in his arms.  My cry as her mother is for her to be strong.  You gave her a spirited personality for reasons such as this.  Oh God, how I love her.  I know you love her so much more but I love her so, so much.  You are the only one that can fix her and make her feel better.  I feel so worthless at times.  I know that my ways of helping her are to pray, visit, and breast pump but I just don't feel like that is enough.  I wish I could do more.

God, life is not easy.  It is hard.  I am so tired right now.  I do realize that this is a mere moment in the grand scheme of things but it is a moment that I am living every single day.  This is a defining moment in my faith towards your almighty being.   I believe in you and I trust you.  Your peace is hovering over my head like a helicopter but I haven't granted you permission to land.  Having a peaceful state of mind just doesn't feel right.  I need to stop carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders.  It would make this journey a whole lot lighter.  How come I know all of these things but I am not doing them?  Is it a lack of faith or trust?  I am not sure.  Jesus, I love you and I need you.  I am weak and you are strong.  Thank you for your unconditional love.

You are the LIGHT in the darkness.  You are the COMFORTER to the weak.  You are the ALPHA and OMEGA.  You are our awesome CREATOR.  You are the ultimate PHYSICIAN.  You are STRONG and your LOVE is unfailing.  You are the KING of kings and the LORD of lords.  Thank you for your GRACE and MERCY.

Oh, God, how I need you. With you, I have no doubt that everything is going to be alright.  It might not be the way that I want but in the end we won't have any more pain or suffering.  Please give me your strength to make it through this journey. Thank you for your love.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

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0 Your prayers are heard

I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know how grateful and blessed christen and I truly are to be surrounded by such amazing people. I know most 'older generations' don't understand what is so amazing about tweeting and posting on other peoples walls - I confess I often wonder these things too. But in this particular moment of my life I have seen how the Lord will stop at no means to reach out to his children and that includes the Internet. As I sat in the hospital those first two nights finding it ridiculously hard to sleep, it wasn't because of the awful cot - let's just say my mind was a little active. I decided to check Facebook and see if word had gotten out yet. To say that it had, would be a bit of an understatement.

Friends, I tell you, at 2 am in a hospital there could not have been anything more comforting than the words I read. Literally hundreds of people had reached out to us through every technological means possible. I read the unending list of prayers and words of encouragement through tweets, post, texts and emails until I fell asleep to your very words. Prayers are exactly what we need and you all continue to provide them. I pray that in someway, through our journey, you may be drawn closer to God as well. Never let anyone tell you God is outdated or that he is not present anymore, because I can assure you that he was on my iPhone that Friday night!

- Raleigh

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6 It Wasn't Supposed to be This Way

Last Thursday began pretty similar to any other day.  My parents were in town for business so my mom and I spent the day together.  We ate a tasty lunch at Jason's Deli and went antique shopping that afternoon.  I scored two great bookshelves and only paid $60 for both.  We came home and all ate salad and spaghetti at the dinner table as a family.  Little did I know that in less than 12 hours I would be in labor delivering our precious baby girls at 27 weeks.

Friday morning began in fear and uncertainty.  The doctor told us to watch my cramps over the next hour and if we had more than four then we needed to go to the hospital.  He advised me to drink fluids and take a warm bath to relax.  As I laid in the tub trying not to cry, I had no idea that would be the last time I would see my pregnant tummy sticking out from the water.  As the hour closed, I had at least seven cramps (now I know that they were contractions!) and we rushed to the hospital. Before long, I was in a hospital gown fully dilated and found out that today would be the day I would go into delivery.  I had no bags packed, no car seats hooked up, and no time to think about any of those things.  The only thing that I could think about was THIS IS TOO EARLY.  IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.  I got scared and I was in pain. 

When the nurses wheeled me into the operating room, I was surrounded by busy activity.  Nurses, techs, and doctors were scurrying around getting me ready for delivery.  Our wonderful doctor, Matt Phillips, advised us to do a C-section because Maralee was laying across my stomach.  I quickly agreed with the decision and he took time to pray with me before we began.  To start things off, I dangled my legs over the table and received a spinal shot.  Raleigh wasn't allowed to be in the room at that point so I made the nurse hold my hand.  Quickly my legs starting twitching and soon my lower body became completely numb as they swung me around to the delivery position.  As I lay on the table, all I saw were bright lights and lots of people.  It started to feel like the Peanut Festival on opening night and I became panicked drawing in quick short breaths.  So, I closed my eyes to block out the confusion.

With my eyes closed, I did the only thing I knew I could do at this point.  PRAY.  I prayed for the doctors, I prayed for the nurses, I prayed, prayed, prayed, for the safety and health of my little girls, and I prayed for my fear of the delivery process.  By that point, I felt a familiar hand grasp mine, and I knew my husband was by my side.  He rubbed my hair, kissed my forehead, and gave me the earthly encouragement that I needed.  I kept my eyes closed throughout the whole delivery and just continued to pray the same prayer over and over:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Soon enough the procedure was over and Dr. Phillips said that I had courage.  That made me feel good because just this week I was reading about how courage helps to define your character.  I had crossed over the bridge and now officially joined the team of motherhood.  All in all, it wasn't as bad as I had feared and I thank God that He created smart people to engineer medicine drugs that take the bullet for you. :)

After that, I was wheeled into the recovery room.  My legs began to tingle as they slowly woke up from sleep and that was when we first met Dr. Millage from the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). He spoke honestly and told us that our babies were doing well but not great.  His eyes didn't quite meet ours and that made me realize that he really meant what he was saying.  As he left, he assured us that the situation could be a lot worse and that there was hope for them to feeling great.   That was really hard to digest at that moment but it gave me the confidence that I needed so I wouldn't begin to worry.

Over the next couple of days, I recovered in room 248.  The nurses took excellent care of me and I learned how to breast pump from a woman named Psyche.  They were awesome and I can not say thank you enough to the nurses at Baptist East.  THANK YOU!!!  

Quickly my days were filled with visits from family and friends.  Even though I didn't always feel great, it was really great to see everyone.  Their visits kept me smiling and upbeat and I really felt assured that our babies were doing well.  My mom was AWESOME at taking care of me and my sweet husband never left my side.  Both of our families came to our rescue over the weekend.  When they weren't at the hospital, they were cleaning, organizing, and taking care of the daily needs of our home and puppies.  We are beyond grateful for them giving so much of themselves during our desperate time of need.  Now, more than ever, I really appreciate our families and am so THANKFUL that they can get along and be apart of our team.  Mr. and Mrs. Price, Gunter, KB, Mom, Dad, & Courts.....WE LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

During my stay in the hospital; physically I was in recovery from pain and emotionally I was doing well under the circumstances. The NICU kept us informed and it was comforting to know that Adeline and Maralee were right down the hall.  On Tuesday, Dr. Phillips made his rounds and asked me if I was experiencing any post-par tum depression and I assured him that I was okay.  It really helped me to talk to my friend Katie because she and her husband were at the tail-end of their son's stay in the NICU.  Seeing them go through their experience gave us the assurance that tons of babies are delivered premature yet they grow up into healthy, strong babies just like the full-term ones. 

After Dr. Phillips left my room quoting scripture, I sat in my hospital bed absorbing our conversation.  Tuesday was my last day in the hospital, and I began to feel homesick from room 248.  I had not been outside since Friday morning and my brain started to digest the fact that the real world was right outside of those sliding glass doors.  As much as I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my husband, and seeing my puppy dogs, I started to miss my little square inch room.  I started to miss the girls being right down the hall.  That day, I realized all of the things that I missed.  I missed picking out cute pajamas to wear in the hospital.  I missed packing my bags and having them on stand-by.  I missed being in the "rapid growth stage" of my final months of pregnancy.  I missed being able to wear those cute maternity clothes while eating petit fours at my baby shower that was supposed to be on Sunday.  I missed hearing my babies cry as they entered into the world.  They couldn't cry because their lungs weren't fully developed yet.  I missed taking the picture of mom looking gross yet so beautiful as she held her precious newborn for the very first time.  On Tuesday, as I waited for Raleigh to pull the truck around to the entry of the hospital, I became well aware that I was leaving the hospital without our babies. As we exited onto I-85, the tears started flowing.

That was the first time I had cried since they were delivered.  I needed to cry and it was overall a happy cry twinged with sadness.  It is just hard to absorb all of those little things.  We all "think" we know how things are going to happen but once again God showed me that it was His timing, not mine.  He knew the babies would be entering this world on April 30, 2010, before He even created me twenty-five years ago.  He is teaching me with this experience that once again I am not in control of my life.  I have given my life to Him, and now I have to trust His guidance.  As Raleigh and I talked, I began to really see how God had planned for them to born on that day.  If they had been born on Saturday, Raleigh would have missed their births because he was supposed to go on a rafting trip that weekend.  If I had continued to work, I would have had those babies on the Relay For Life track that night.  On their birthday, Raleigh got a message that the babies furniture had arrived.  My dad's business seminar just "happened" to be in Prattville on Thursday and Friday.  I didn't get freaked out when I saw our babies for the first time all wrapped in wires and tubes because my job in Birmingham required me to be around sick cancer patients every single day.

Friends, these things are not coincidence.  God is SO in control of our lives.  Wiping away my tears, I stopped comparing my pregnancy to what I missed.  I started to think about what I have been given.  Things like....

I got to touch Adeline's little bitty knee

The nurse let me change Maralee's diaper for the first time

The other night, Adeline held my finger in her delicate hands

 

Yesterday, I finally saw Maralee's face for the very first time

I love these little girls so much.  We are taking baby steps but they are steps that are in the right direction.  Thank you friends for your prayers and love.  We really need it right now.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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1 Start Small

Hey friends,

I got this great video that I just had to share!  Enjoy!



Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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2 Prayer Request

Friends, I have an urgent prayer request.

Our sweet friends here in Montgomery are expecting their first baby in early May. Last night, the mother's water broke and she is at the hospital. That is all I know at this time but I would like to ask you all to join with me in praying for this precious couple and their baby.

Pray that they rely on the Lord's strength. Pray that He is skillfully guiding the doctors as they decide what to do. Pray for the father to be a mighty rock for his wife. Pray for the mother to let go of all of her fears and anxieties and to completely trust in the Lord. Please pray for that tender child that God took time to form in his mother's womb.

Thank you friends...I will keep you updated.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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0 Move Mountains

Prayer.

We all need it, we all want it...but are we willing to allow it to transform our lives?

Do you believe in the power of prayer? Do you truly believe that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed that you can move mountains?

I will admit, over time I have had my doubts about the power of prayer. I have had conversations with friends about my troubles and they always say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." Yet, sometimes I wonder if they really do keep me in their prayers. Honestly, if I don't take time to pray for someone at the very second that they ask, my day will pass by so quickly that I won't remember to do it later. Isn't that horrible and so selfish? It is definitely something that I am constantly working on to improve.

On average, I believe that most of us pray at least once a day. Whether it is at dinnertime or bedtime, we have those "canned" prayers that we say every day. Growing up, my brother and I split the dinnertime prayer because we use to argue over who would say it. So, he says the first part and I say the last. To this day, we still do it that way. Those prayers count, but how many times a day do we go head to the floor in prayer? I mean, really prostrate ourselves in front of our mighty Savior? Sadly, I believe that most of us do this in dire times....life or death times....serious circumstance times.

I am awe-struck by those that take time out of their day to meditate in prayer. Many other religions in this world take serious time out of their day to pray to their gods. Why do we Christians have such a hard time doing this? There are many answers, but the first one that comes to my mind is an answer that relates to the region of the world that we live in. In America, where Christianity is still the largest practiced religion, we are going 90 miles an hour and we just don't feel like we have enough time in the day to meditate. I can say that many of us would feel like others would think we were wasting time if we took 30 minutes out of our day to meditate.

It makes me sad to think that sometimes I value my schedule over my time with God. Friends, we have got to do something about this. We have got to start making time for our Creator. His line is always open. There is no busy signal, no slow connection, and no traffic when it comes to having some quiet time with Jesus.

I do believe that prayer can move mountains. I have witnessed first-hand that God does answer prayers. I can't carry the weight of my world on my shoulders. I'm just too weak. But, my strong Savior can handle everything that I give him plus the rest of the world's troubles. True prayer isn't necessarily about us, it is about trusting our lives with God. It is believing that no matter what the outcome...good or bad...He is in control and the end result is going to make us so much stronger if we truly believe that all He has is goodness for our lives.

Friends, I want to make an effort to be your prayer companion. Please don't hesitate to ask me to pray with you.....you can send a request anonymously if you wish....but know that I would like to pray for you.

I would like to ask for you all to pray for my bible study mentor, Beth Moore. I read her recent post and she had to have surgery (they did not state what for) and she is slowly recovering. She has touched many of us through her wise words and this is how we can help her.

Thank you dear friends.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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1 Change of Season

In Alabama, it is hard to truly define seasons changing. I usually get the feeling of a change in season when different activities begin. For this season, football has taken over so I am sure fall will soon follow. This past weekend, we were in attendance to not one but two football games. On Friday night, we went to a local high school football game to watch one of our friends coach his team. I was very surprised that the evening actually felt cool and not humid for a change! It was refreshing to think that soon the leaves will start to change colors and I can wear jeans without sweating during the day :) Auburn football took center stage on Saturday as we drove to the loveliest village on the plains. Something about sitting in a tailgating chair eating tons of food, while watching orange and blue fans walk around just excites me. Every time I step on campus, memories come flooding back to me about my Auburn experience.

However, while these things are the enjoyable parts of a change in season, I also know things are shifting because my schedule changes and I start to get anxious during my day. So, for anybody that has been feeling a little stressed lately, this post is for you!

The verse that I am going to refer to today is in Phillipians, chapter four, verses six and seven. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Often, when I think of the word anxious, other words such as worry and overwhelmed come to my head. Usually, I start to feel this way when I have a lot on my plate and it looks like everything won't get eaten before it goes cold! September has started my new year at work. New goals, new volunteers, and new meetings. With that change, summer is officially over for me and it is time to start checking the to-do's off of my calendar. Even though my events are eight months away, a lot has to be done starting now. When I see the long list on my timelines, a feeling of anxiousness creeps into my stomach and I start to worry.

Now, if I always did what I was supposed to, I would automatically drop down to my knees and give this to God. But, me the the im-perfect person that I am, I hold that feeling all to myself. In this sense of the word, anxious turns into self-centeredness and counterproductive worry. I get myself all worked up for nothing and in return, nothing gets done because I am too worried about it! The word "anything" in this verse is stated as "nothing" in the KJV and this is translated into the word medeis which means "not even one (man, woman, or thing)."

Anxiety and prayer are two great opposing forces in a being a christian. Especially type A christians! Type A's think we can do it on our own. We don't like to give "to-do's" to others out of fear and distrust that they won't be completed correctly. But, not giving our to-do's to God? How crazy are we to think that we can handle our problems better than He can? Instead, we should be thankful that He loves us so much that He wants to handle all of our problems. He doesn't want us to carry the weight of this "man, woman, or thing" on our shoulders. He is strong so we need to let God do the push-ups instead of us.

When we finally decide to let God pump some iron, we should go to him with thankful hearts, i.e. the term "thanksgiving." After I finish my prayers, I always have this feeling of peace wash over me. The notes in my Bible state that the "peace of God" is an inner tranquility based on the peaceful state of those whose sins are forgiven. This is the complete opposite of anxiety!!! It also states that when believers have this peace, they have a sense of a divine favour. This term makes me think of the saying, "If God is on my side, who can be against me?"

The ending of this verse states that this peace will guard our hearts and minds. Think of God as your personal soldier standing guard against all "man, woman, or thing" that can cause you worry. He is a strong soldier that is protective of his child. His goal is to keep you safe and not let the enemy conquer your heart and your mind.

Friends, cast your worries upon God. I know I have stopped trying to fight the fact that He can handle it better than I can. My goal is to attempt to be in constant prayer to God, giving him everything every single minute of every single day. I know that if I ever accomplish this goal, my life will be filled with a constant peace of mind. With this peace of mind comes an even more thankful heart to my strong, mighty Father. Then, I can fully enjoy the changing seasons without being anxious about any "man, woman, or thing."

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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1 Anxious Expectation

Boy, sometimes I just love a rainy day. This afternoon has been heaven!!! I took a much needed nap and it felt sooo good to kick back and just relax. I wish I honored the work six days rest seven rule more often but between work and work at home it is hard to get a day of total relaxation. But, I sure do love these kind of days :)

This weekend has been pretty awesome. My church, St. James UMC, was a host church for the Beth Moore Living Proof Live simulcast that was broadcasted from Green Bay. Of course, I jumped at the chance to see Beth Moore! It was so much fun to see her in action and to worship with Travis Cottrell and his team of gifted musicians. Her lesson that she shared with us was based around Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." She broke down her message into seven parts and each one was special in their own right, but today I want to share point #6: Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight.

The scripture that is the reference for this statement is Psalm 37:7, "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Often, in today's society, it is hard to be still. We live in a fast-paced world where we can get what we want in a click of a button. This allows us to think we have control over our lives. How much time do we actually spend waiting? Or praying for that matter? And, when we do pray, are our prayers so often focused on our needs and when we say amen we haven't taken time to listen? To really get down to it, we want it on our time not God's time.

"Be still," in this context, refers to the Hebrew word meaning to stop, to be silent. It means that when we pray we don't need to be all talk and no listening. We need to hush our mouths and just stop talking! I have a relative that loves to talk. She can carry on a conversation with a brick wall and be just tickled. We all love conversation, right? But, do we allow our conversations to be two-way streets? I can sit here and talk to you through this blog all day long but I would love for you to talk back to me so I can listen to what is going on in your lives. I want this to be an avenue of learning and growing for you and for me. More importantly, I want my time with the Lord to not be all about me. I need to stop my quick prayers and just take time out to listen. To hear His voice. To let Him take His time with me. I need to wait and be patient in His promise to give me the desires of my heart.

In Psalm 37:7, wait patiently in Hebrew is the word chiyl which means to have anxious expectation, to twist, to whirl, to rise in pain, to trust and to wait. Beth described this beautifully on Saturday and I hope I can give it justice. She demonstrated that if she were to bang her toe on something it would hurt and she would be jumping around saying "Ow, gosh this hurts!" But, what if she had anxious expectation that it would get better? What if she jumped around the room, twisting and dancing in pain, holding her foot in her hands saying, "Ow, Lord, Ow, this hurts, but Oh, Lord, you are going to make it better!" We all go through tough stuff. Stuff that hurts so much and stuff that can give us so much pain. Rather than sitting there being angry at God or praying but not taking the time to listen to how He will help us, we should have an anxious expectation that He is going to take this bad and turn it into something great and beautiful for our lives.

Prayer can move mountains, dear friends. Especially, when we take time to have a two-way conversation. I know the majority of us don't hear God speaking to us like He did with Moses, but He is there and He does speak to us. He speaks to us through others and He talks back to us through emotions. I know after I have been going through major low points in my life and I am crying out to Him, He gives me His peace to face another day. This weekend, I assisted St. James by being on the prayer team. We had alter calls both days for women to just take time to pray. It was a life-changing moment for me to be in a room praying over these women that I didn't even know. But, I knew they needed the Lord. We all have pain in our lives. We all need to cry out to Him. But, let's do it in anxious expectation that He is going to deliver us from this moment of pain. He is going to take us into a place that we long for; the place where we can delight in Him and be given the desires of our hearts.

Don't lose hope in this promise. Just wait patiently.



Till' next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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