2 Getting Closer

Hey everybody, I thought I would do quick post from my phone to keep everyone updated. Christen and I are currently pulling twelve hour days at the hospital because the doctors have decided to get the girls off of the feeding tubes. So that means Christen is nursing them full time during the twelve hours of the day and the nurses bottle feed them the twelve hours of the night. We don't want to get too excited but the doctor told us this morning that we could be rooming in as early as Monday night but likely Tuesday night which would put the Girls coming home on Christens birthday. I swear, God is so amazing. Again, this all depends on a lot of things but the girls are fighting hard as always. Adeline is up to 4 lbs 11 oz and Maralee is now 4 lbs 6 oz. They are starting to look the same again. I actually mixed up the two for the first time last night because Maralee's "patchy" side was face down and she had been laid in Adeline's crib for a moment to change her diaper. We're going to need to paint some toenails at home or something. Let us know all your ideas.

She looks like she is on a lazy river ride.

The Lord's timing, as always, is perfect. Only days after finding out I passed my last Architectural Registration Exam, we are finding out now that they may come home on Christen's Birthday, only three days before there original due date of July 24. We stress over individual moments in life and often forget God is constantly watching over the big picture.

Now, before I let you go, we need to talk about the poll. You may have noticed but it seems to be a little bit of a landslide in my favor. All the family members kept saying they looked like me but I didn't really believe it until they pulled out my baby picture and sure enough - they did. Now, I get to study every detail of them each day and I assure you that they have plenty of Christen in them. Their eye color, ears, and chin look just like Christen I believe. But it is hard to deny the resemblance of my baby picture. Now, the whole reason the internet was created was for self humiliation. I know you are asking yourself, "I wonder what Raleigh would look like as a girl?" So, in the spirit of ridicule, I'll answer that question for you....

Take it easy on me, we raised a lot of money for our High School athletics with a Womanless Beauty Pageant! It would just be wrong to leave you with that image though, so instead, I give you sweet Maralee sleeping.

Thank you all for your support and prayers as we are hopefully getting closer to bringing those sweet little girls home!

-Raleigh

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3 Happy Dance

Anybody ever heard the phrase, "It has to get worse before it gets better?"  Well, I am starting to believe in that statement.  Last Thursday was a rough evening.  As always, Raleigh and I headed down the interstate to make the girls 8:00 pm feed.  That night, I was just plain tired of going to the hospital.  I started to yearn for the girls to be well and home with us.  Before they were born, we usually kept to a routine of eating dinner at home and being in our comfy clothes by eight o'clock.  Of course, routines change and we have adjusted to our new schedule but that night I just really wanted to have the girls at home with me instead of driving to go see them.

Earlier that day, the nurse practitioner gave the thumbs up to start trying three feeds a day from the bottle.  As great as that sounds, it was a huge test for them because they were still having trouble taking one feed, let alone three.  The nurse that was in charge of the girls that evening told me that it might be a good idea for the girls to be evaluated by the occupational therapist.  For some reason, that made me feel like throwing in the towel.  I felt defeated and wondered if they would always be less developed than other children.  It is the hardest thing as a parent to admit that your child is under-developed.  I think it is my pride.  Our girls are doing so well but my pride wants them to be better than other children even though they are preemies!  Has anybody else ever felt that way about their kids?  Boy, it is a hard thing to deal with!

Leaving the hospital that evening, I didn't have much to say.  I was tired, upset, and sad.  I got out of the car and headed inside to get ready for bed.  As I stood brushing my teeth over our bathroom sink, I became overwhelmed with my emotions.  Tears started flowing and I fell to the floor crying.  Raleigh came to help me and tried to make me feel better about the occupational therapist but I honestly wasn't in the encouraging mood.  I hate to admit this, but I stormed upstairs just to be alone for a little while.  I crept into the girls nursery and just sat in the reclining chair rocking back and forth in the dark.  Oh, how I longed to have them home in their room!  I just want it so bad it hurts!!!!  Eventually, Raleigh came to get me and we both headed to bed, just spent with exhaustion.

Friday morning I woke up still feeling upset.  Typically, I go to the hospital for their mid-day feed and that day I was moving a little slower.  When I arrived for the feed, the nurse let me try breastfeeding them.  As I sat in the hard plastic chair holding baby Adeline, I became overwhelmed with guilt.  The sweet nurse came in to check on us and she could tell I was upset.  We began to talk and the tears just started to flow again.  I felt like a wrecking ball spinning out of control.  Suddenly, my guilt engulfed me like a wave crashing down on the sea floor.  Guilt is a horrible feeling, my friends.  I have been plagued with it since the moment I arrived at the hospital 78 days ago.  I have felt so guilty for them being born premature.  I feel guilty when I get to their feeds late or when we just go once a day on the weekends.  Guilt strikes me when I see a cute girl in her last days of being pregnant and it rears its nasty head when I try to relax.  Sometimes I feel like it is my fault that they were born early.  Recently, one of the nurses told me that they think the girls were actually closer to 24 or 25 weeks instead of twenty-seven when they were born.  They think this because during their initial assessment, they still had fused eyes and their whole growth has been about two weeks delayed than their actual week.  Knowing this gives me more discomfort because I realize how fortunate we are for them to be with us.

As I sat there crying, I looked down and saw dear Adeline looking back at me.  Her eyes are so big and blue and she smells so sweet.  She makes funny noises and loves to grasp whatever she can get a hold of in her hands.  As I held her in my arms, I realized that she was a miracle.  Even if she is more premature than we thought, she is alive and she is getting better every day.  She was born early for a reason and this is all part of God's sovereign plan for our lives.  He knows how many hairs she has on her head and he knew she would be born early allowing him to deliver her safely into our arms.   He knew we were ready for this challenge because he heard our request to be used to glorify His kingdom.  He has been preparing us for this fight for years and He knows that if we rely on Him we will win this battle.  The one thing that God has not given me for this battle is guilt.  He would never make me feel guilty.  He loves me too much and He chooses to offer me kind words instead of discouraging ones.  This is self-guilt and I have allowed the devil a port hole to enter into my mind and fester this ugly beast.  It got out of control last week and since then I have tried to give it to God and let it go.

Maralee has hit the four pound mark and Adeline weighs 4.9 pounds now. Since they have done so great, the nurse told me that I needed to start coming for all of their day feeds.  That means I will be at the hospital five times a day and if they do good with this advanced feeding schedule, their is a very good chance that they could come home early next week!!!  I can't believe that the end is right around the corner.  I want it so bad it hurts.  Please pray for the girls to do good this weekend with their feeds and for us to remain patient.  Also, please pray for our families because they are helping us get our house prepared for them to come home.  We are so excited but at the same time, we don't want to push them to hard.  We want them home but we also want them to be taking their feeds extremely well before they leave the NICU.  The last thing we want is for them to be readmitted because they can't take their feeds.  Let us pray that they remain healthy growing little girls!

Raleigh and Maralee (10 weeks old)

 

Christen and Adeline (10 weeks old)

 

Friends, it was really quite silly for me to get so upset about the girls needing help.  The occupational therapist ended up being a good thing and she is helping us move in the right direction towards coming home.  I feel like God is using this experience to refine my thoughts.  He wants me to conquer the devil with my mind and not let him use guilt to discourage me and make me afraid.  When I stop allowing little red to control my emotions I will have defeated him.  For me, this is much easier said than done but every day I am learning my lesson.

Isn't that what life is about?  We are all filled with guilt and hard times but it is how we decide to deal with these things that determines the type of people we want to be.  I encourage you to rely on God and give him your worries because He desperately wants you and me to seek him when we are scared.  He is with us always; it is just up to us to allow him to enter into our hearts and our minds.  The more we are filled with God's truth, the easier it is to fight this never-ending battle for our minds.  Joyce Meyer wrote a great book called Battlefield of the Mind and she talks about how the devil lies.  She says that he doesn't know how to speak the truth.  He wants us to feel guilty because he hopes he can use that to sway us from being close to God.  "If we listen and accept what we hear, our enemy rejoices."  Friends, I do not want Satan to do a happy dance because he got into my mind.  In order for me not to let Satan have a stronghold on my mind, I have to fight him with praise and prayer to God.  By doing this, I have God on my side and the battle will be won!

"For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds" - 2 Corinthians 10:4

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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0 I Dare You

Last night, our small group started a series on marriage. We are each reading The Love Dare book that was written for the movie Fireproof. Today was day one and I really should have heard it on Tuesday instead of today so I could practice it! Below is a section that I really enjoyed:

If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate, or do you stay under control? Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather than medicine.

Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don't get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives.

Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn't rush to judgment but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgment. The Bible says, "He who is slow to anger had great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly" (Proverbs 14:29).

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.

The last part of this segment is something that Raleigh and I have had to learn over time. For those of you that know us, we started dating in high school and continued to date for six years until we got married. I had to learn patience on multiple levels, primarily patience in waiting and then a close second was patience with my partner. Today, as a married gal, I deal with the latter on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get so frustrated by the smallest things around the house and I just blow up. Usually, if we get into an argument it is over something silly but then we quickly become angry and say things that we shouldn't say. When we argue I always walk away with regret at the words I chose to say.

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another" (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

Being patient with your partner is a choice that we have to make every time we open our mouths. It is shown through our actions and through our words. As I mentioned in an earlier post, words are what hurt me the most. In return, I know my words have hurt those close to me. I am constantly learning how to practice patience every single day so my home can be filled with positive words and actions instead of negative.

Friends, I dare you to be patient today. Whether it is with your spouse, co-worker, family member or friend, choose to keep your mouth shut an extra second before you respond. I bet you won't regret it.

Till next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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0 While I'm Waiting

Hi friends,

I just had to write a follow-up to the blog I posted on Sunday titled, Anxious Expectation. God has a way of making me practice what I preach. I'm not going to go into details, but please pray for me that I will continue to wait patiently for Him to reveal His promises to me and also for me to wait in wonderful expectation.

Below, are the lyrics and a music video from the movie Fireproof of a song that has been in my head, John Waller's, "While I'm Waiting." It has given me comfort and I hope it gives you some as well!



Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

On a side note, Raleigh took his Goliath test today and felt like he did a good job. We will have to wait and see but thank you for your prayers!

Till next time, let your light shine!

blessings, christen

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1 Anxious Expectation

Boy, sometimes I just love a rainy day. This afternoon has been heaven!!! I took a much needed nap and it felt sooo good to kick back and just relax. I wish I honored the work six days rest seven rule more often but between work and work at home it is hard to get a day of total relaxation. But, I sure do love these kind of days :)

This weekend has been pretty awesome. My church, St. James UMC, was a host church for the Beth Moore Living Proof Live simulcast that was broadcasted from Green Bay. Of course, I jumped at the chance to see Beth Moore! It was so much fun to see her in action and to worship with Travis Cottrell and his team of gifted musicians. Her lesson that she shared with us was based around Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." She broke down her message into seven parts and each one was special in their own right, but today I want to share point #6: Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight.

The scripture that is the reference for this statement is Psalm 37:7, "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Often, in today's society, it is hard to be still. We live in a fast-paced world where we can get what we want in a click of a button. This allows us to think we have control over our lives. How much time do we actually spend waiting? Or praying for that matter? And, when we do pray, are our prayers so often focused on our needs and when we say amen we haven't taken time to listen? To really get down to it, we want it on our time not God's time.

"Be still," in this context, refers to the Hebrew word meaning to stop, to be silent. It means that when we pray we don't need to be all talk and no listening. We need to hush our mouths and just stop talking! I have a relative that loves to talk. She can carry on a conversation with a brick wall and be just tickled. We all love conversation, right? But, do we allow our conversations to be two-way streets? I can sit here and talk to you through this blog all day long but I would love for you to talk back to me so I can listen to what is going on in your lives. I want this to be an avenue of learning and growing for you and for me. More importantly, I want my time with the Lord to not be all about me. I need to stop my quick prayers and just take time out to listen. To hear His voice. To let Him take His time with me. I need to wait and be patient in His promise to give me the desires of my heart.

In Psalm 37:7, wait patiently in Hebrew is the word chiyl which means to have anxious expectation, to twist, to whirl, to rise in pain, to trust and to wait. Beth described this beautifully on Saturday and I hope I can give it justice. She demonstrated that if she were to bang her toe on something it would hurt and she would be jumping around saying "Ow, gosh this hurts!" But, what if she had anxious expectation that it would get better? What if she jumped around the room, twisting and dancing in pain, holding her foot in her hands saying, "Ow, Lord, Ow, this hurts, but Oh, Lord, you are going to make it better!" We all go through tough stuff. Stuff that hurts so much and stuff that can give us so much pain. Rather than sitting there being angry at God or praying but not taking the time to listen to how He will help us, we should have an anxious expectation that He is going to take this bad and turn it into something great and beautiful for our lives.

Prayer can move mountains, dear friends. Especially, when we take time to have a two-way conversation. I know the majority of us don't hear God speaking to us like He did with Moses, but He is there and He does speak to us. He speaks to us through others and He talks back to us through emotions. I know after I have been going through major low points in my life and I am crying out to Him, He gives me His peace to face another day. This weekend, I assisted St. James by being on the prayer team. We had alter calls both days for women to just take time to pray. It was a life-changing moment for me to be in a room praying over these women that I didn't even know. But, I knew they needed the Lord. We all have pain in our lives. We all need to cry out to Him. But, let's do it in anxious expectation that He is going to deliver us from this moment of pain. He is going to take us into a place that we long for; the place where we can delight in Him and be given the desires of our hearts.

Don't lose hope in this promise. Just wait patiently.



Till' next time, let your light shine!

Blessings, christen

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